The good: I passed my piano exam. Done with Grade 8.

The bad: I'm completely lost now. Torn. As always.

I guess I have been living in denial for a long time. Now that I'm at a crossroad, it is perhaps time to face the music. Literally.

I need a new direction. A new high.

~~~

Plan A: Continue with piano diploma. I have 2 teachers in mind now.

Plan B: Finish Grade 8 theory by this Nov with my current teacher. Meaning 6 months without practical. I can't afford the time to do both.

Plan C: Stop piano and focus on cello. But I can't bear to... Although that is very much a 'practical' thing to do since I perform on it more than the piano.

Plan D: Something about work... Something about school. Some thing of a deep desire of which I am too big a coward to realise it.

~~~

It seems like I have a lot to think about. A lot of people to talk to.

And so I shall continue to live in denial now and think about it over my 16 days out of Singapore next month.

Tempo: Accelerando

Have been away from the music scene for 2 months, since my last concert in December. As much as I had wanted the best of both worlds, I realised I could not. At least not when I was still threading on an unfamiliar ground, absorbing an astronomical amount of knowledge... And whatnot... Then. :)

And so, I've been immensely consumed by work recently, and been desperately slotting in available hours for piano prac.

                             

Me on Steph's Kawai upright grand. :D

Steph and her mum have very graciously opened their house for me to practise at night. Appreciate it a lot. :)) One more week to my exam and I can finally free my mind of it. I'd then probably continue with music theory and catch up on my cello while waiting for the result.

Plan to return to the music scene end March if  The Roster allows. I miss rehearsals a lot.

It is a complicated love tangle between work, piano, cello and, me.  I am constantly rearranging my priorities among them, as it is impossible to give equal amount of devotion to all. >.<

And now I wonder how people could even handle an extramarital affair.

 

When I fall in love
It will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart
It will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that
You feel that way too...
Is when I fall in love with you.

~~~

Beautiful lyrics, my sentiments exactly! :)

Happy Valentine's Day to all!

A Silly Worm

 

It has been adrenaline-filled days of anticipation, self-defense, challenges, relentless determination and breakthroughs.

For too long, I have felt like a worm burrowed deep in the after-rain mud. Trapped in my own tiny sphere of bubble, too introverted to face the bustling world above. Being out in the open, even for a while, means having the possibility of getting stomped and crushed.

Until recently, I decided it is perhaps time to screw myself up. Literally. I could feel the resistance of gravity anchoring me down. But this time, it can't bring me down anymore. I'm determined to break free. And I will. :)

~~~

Last night was almost another ordinary night, lying on the bed, in my best effort to shield off spontaneous arrows of thoughts shot in random directions all over my cranium. I swear my mind has a mind of its own.

To entertain myself while my mind was doing its own stunts, I turned on my iPod and put this song on a repeat mode.  It's my favourite Chinese worship song and it touches the soft spot in my heart all the time.

However, last night, a phrase in that song hit me really hard and pierced through that soft spot right into my heart.

"主耶穌今天我為你活" - Jesus, I'm living for You today.

This is a very common sentence, people talk and sing about it all the time. Honestly, it was only until last night that it had finally made sense to me.

*Censored a large chunk of words and saved them in draft instead*

The moment I heard it, I was brought back to that fateful day, a few months back, when I had wished I was dead... It was scary because it had felt so real.

I could not stopped crying the moment I finally understood that sentence last night. A reminder to myself, in times when it seems like I have nothing I want to live for, I can still live for God. Funny how God teaches.

~~~

Anyway today! I finally had my first piano recital, to an audience of 20-odd fellow schoolmates at NUH. That was the most courageous thing I've done with the piano to date. It was almost crazy. :)

And this is how a nurse would say it -

I BLOODY DID IT.

 

:D

 

Whine and Die

 

Just had a crazy idea to pack up and leave this place.
There does not seem to have a good reason to stay.
For one, I don't like the air I'm breathing.
And then, the sight I'm seeing.

In all honesty
I wish I'd vapourise
Fast and dry
Like alcohol on hot skin

The need to run away is too compelling. 
It is also, ironically, my motivating factor for work.
And yet,  ironically, again; having financial freedom also means concurrently being under bondage.

How is it like living each day having someone breath down your neck? Or feeling like a broken doll which needs fixing by every erm. well-intended person...? Or being pushed around by people who crave for that pseudo sense of superiority?

Yea... If it makes you happy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S: Now, don't get too serious about my title, it is just my badbad. attempt to rhyme the 'whine'. Oh yay it rhymes again. =P

Piano.O

 

Hot or not? :D

 

What happened was... I became bored recently of playing the same pieces all the time. So I was casually browsing through my scores on my messy piano top. Lo and behold, this piece, which has been lying there for a really looong time, stood out like a... Veggie stuck in the teeth. :D

Out of curiosity, I took it out and played. It made a fun sight-reading piece since the left hand accompaniment is basically similar throughout. But playing it in time is, of course, another story. >.< Nonetheless! It got me quite addicted. Major source of entertainment now that I'm on a 2-day MC.

(Thanks Yang for giving me this score a few years back... Now you know I haven't exactly touched it since... =x Hehe.)

This means neglecting the rest of my more crucial pieces.... Which is bad in view of my upcoming mini piano recital. Anyway... Yes... I'll be performing 3 of my Grade 8 exam pieces + one other. Trust me to do random things like that. :D

The only reason is because I screwed up my previous exam in August mainly due to nervousness (+ a thousand excuses). Thus, I reckon a pre-exam performance would do me much good, of which I otherwise would not even have the audacity to suggest. Hesitating whether or not I should tell my teacher... Lest she becomes frantic and freaks out. Or something like that.

It would be my first piano solo kind of solo. So alone and stranded. >.<  Better buck up. :(

 

 

He took his last breath
A sigh of  relief
A garner of all his strength
To expel that reluctant spirit

He was finally freed from all earthly woes
Cuffs were loosen
Shackles broken
No longer a captive of the world

Shrouded in white
Relishing in the sweetest slumber
Years had he waited
For a moment such as this

He had toiled hard
He had had enough
Death was his reward
Cry for him not

----------------------------------------------------------

Me ish too lazy to think of a title.

 

iMisses

 

I miss

practices.
church.
life.
me.

Surprise~, my entire life is now revolved around work.
It is perhaps more than what I bargained for.

I hope it is worth the sacrifice at the end of the day.

Ello!

Writing from my iPhone for the first time. =P Only because my laptop has very gently collapsed and is now under the care of my bestie's dad, who has very kindly helped to resuscitate it. At least all my photos are saved. :D

I have little to say at the moment, life is busy as usual but is mostly filled with the kinda fun which are worth getting tired over at the end of the day. In case you are wondering, yes I'm still very much alive and up and about. :D Although I must say, there are days I feel like a hamster on a running wheel, chasing wind, going nowhere.

If you can identify with that.

I'm glad to be more settled at work now, although there is still an endless road ahead. It is daunting to even think about the future. But I'm happy to say that nursing in Singapore is gradually evolving for the better. Not apparent as of yet, but... Just watch. ;)

There are of course side effects of work such as a screwed up mealtime, almost nightly insomnia, and well a very messy life schedule. Just to name a few. Oh and very morbid thoughts at times. It is inevitable to reflect on death and dying from time to time, when day in and out you are being exposed to it.

More often than not, the ones crying are in fact not the ones who are dying. I believe it takes more courage to live than to die. And the thing which scares me most is to live as if one is dead.

Pardon my thoughts in my recent posts. I'm honestly still learning and figuring. It is a topic people love avoiding, although all of us will have to face it sooner or later. It's true.

Ignorance is, indeed, bliss.

 

What we do not know won’t hurt us, right?

~

A simplified definition of ‘knowledge’ which I came up with:

Knowledge –> power –> responsibility –> burden -> sorrow

(Which holds true only when read from left –> right.)

~

Here’s the amplified version:

Gaining (knowledge) is like having a baton passed to you. It is now in your hands (power). You have the (responsibility) to hold on to it and make greater use of it than the person before you (burden). Hence the ability to influence and reach out to more people. More people = more problems/challenges = more (sorrow).

~

And lastly, a case scenario, to make better sense of it:

3 years of nursing studies (knowledge) –> license to practice(power) –> lives of patients in our hands (responsibility) –> have to be proficient in skills and do no harm (burden) –> every kind of (sorrow) arising from failure to meet expectations of self, patients, colleagues; doing more harm than good; being scolded by sarcastic and rude anyone; general sadness over patients’ and their families’ situations.

Insert your own scenario if you’d like. =p

~

Of course if you want a more optimistic (or rather, idealistic) definition… It can be rearranged into a simple chain diagram:

Knowledge –> power –> responsibility –> knowledge –> blabla

Ampliflied version:

Having acquired knowledge, it puts you in a place of authority which means you have the responsibility to translate that knowledge into greater use. Having being able to do so, you want to do even better. Hence acquiring more knowledge, which might lead to promotions/higher ranks (power) and hence more influence (responsibility).

And so on.

Perfect.

~

As we can see, a tiny seed of knowledge goes a looong way, which usually ends with more sorrow to self and possibly/hopefully more benefits to others. It can also be a dangerous weapon whereby an abuse of it could result in fatal consequences, especially when used with self-centered intentions.

And of course, on the other hand/concurrently, knowledge can also bring us joy and satisfaction and can generally increase our quality of life.

But… Are there not more sad days than happy ones? Are not tears louder than laughter? Are not worries heavier than all confidence condensed?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P.S: Just some midnight thoughts, which arose from one stupid trivial incident. Anyway, please feel free to share your own definition of knowledge. :)

Who’s right?
Who’s wrong?
Who cares?

Cheap Thrill

 

Ellooo

Just came back from a 3-day trip to Cameron and Genting Highlands with my mum.

 

 

 

Basically I saw a lot of trees and plants every day. It was a good brake for my mind and all the crazy things happening in SG.

 

Greetings.

And so it goes, I’ve been working for close to 3 months now! 0.0

Time flies at such astonishing rate, life can easily pass us by without us realising. That, to me, is a daunting thought. I remember the first time seeing an asystolic ECG strip, I had stared at it for a good 10 seconds. Speechless.

A line to prove the end of a life.

I thought to myself: This is it?

Yes. Indeed.

In other words, life is short and not to mention, very vulnerable.  We don’t have the luxury of time to fulfill all the things we want in this lifetime. People die every day with words unsaid, deeds undone, art unexpressed.

Relationships unmended.

Could-have-beens.

_________________

And every day is a struggle to prioritize my time.

 

Greetings from a one-month-old nurse!

I’m loving it!!! So much to learn so much to know!

Getting myself acquainted with the superfluous medical jargons.
And getting better in deciphering ugly handwritings.

I love my patients. I only have the best intentions for them.

Long way to go…….

 

NUS –> NUH

 

It’s been 2 weeks of pure orientation @ NUH. Many more of such days ahead in the subsequent few months.

It was only until today that I finally went to my ward and was introduced to my colleagues. It was the same ward (or rather the discipline) I fell in love with during my attachment in Year 1 Sem 2 as a student. I had since then worked in 2 other similar wards at NUH in both Year 2 and 3. 

I don’t why the affinity towards Oncology. I guess it’s like love at first sight? You can’t exactly explain it.

Now that I’m back as a (real) nurse, the expectation is definitely higher. It will be pure hard work for the next 1 year. Or 2.

My greatest challenge yet.

Nice to meet you. :)

----------

The past 2 days had been emotionally turbulent. I lost count of the number of times I broke down. I had felt the resistance of my boundary. Perhaps I had pushed it too far, it kinda rebound and knocked me down. It had been dark days, I guess I had fallen a tad too deeply.

It’s Friday today and “TGIF” is beginning to make sense. I promised myself not to cry anymore. And I have not.

3 cheers. :)

Pit Stop!

 

When I’m very sad, I think of my big brother. I wish he was here with me… He’d probably understand me the most. :’(

Anyway, that aside, it has been a fruitful 2-month break. I spent most of June in Thailand and Australia, and July practising on my instruments.

In a nutshell, I’ve officially graduated from NUS, gotten my nursing practice license and starting work @ NUH coming Monday as a Staff Nurse.

I don’t know what to make of that - my first career after 18 years of education. It is like a rite of adulthood. I am like a bird set free, there is now boundless possibilities for my future. I am my own pilot. What a strange and exhilarating feeling.

The world looks different to me now. I’d probably spend the next few months readjusting, readapting and reorientating my mind and lifestyle; and the next 2-3 years acquiring healthcare knowledge and nursing skills. My ultimate plan is to go overseas (most preferably the UK) to further my studies (most preferably on music therapy or palliative care) and/or to work.

‘That is the furthest I can plan at this point of time… I know it looks kinda ideal and I’m of course expecting obstacles along the way.

______

Apart from that, I need to plan for my music pathway too… And my main concern is the lack of practice when I start work. Sigh. I guess one can never have the best of both worlds.

I’m now preparing for my Grade8 piano exam which will take place next month and will be taking Grade8 theory coming March/September. I’m hoping my teacher would be willing to do express teaching and I can get over and done with this whole ABRSM graded exam thing in March.

After which, I’m looking at piano diploma… And would need to find a new teacher. Ok one step at a time… Lol.

As for cello, I’m taking it slow… Having lessons fortnightly, with random performances once in a while. My next concerts will be in September with BHSO and December with TMO. That means having rehearsals at least twice in a week.

I am not sure if I can afford the time anymore. Sigh.

____

Sad.

Gulp.

It had been a great time spent in the presence of God tonight.

I must say it was awkward at first, after being away for so long.

I was listening to this song, as tears and mucus concocted…

Words were choked up, I could not speak.

I had felt nothingness, as if all had been taken away from me.

And all I had at that moment, was God.

There was no need for anything more.

It was a sweet reunion.

I had been out on my own for too long.

Not too smart at all.

I struggled with the first words of prayer…

I did not have the courage to speak.

As if God had not already known what was in my heart.

No, He knows my every thought.

And He cares.

I had to get it out.

My burdens, my desires.

Words soon became fragmented sentences,

Injected with awkward pauses.

But yes, I got it out, I GOT IT OUT.

There was such relief.

Immediately the heaviness was lifted.

There arose a confidence I have not felt for some time.

Things are now in God’s hands, not mine.

I know His ways are always higher.

He can definitely handle it better.

Eyes-blended

 

Life would be much easier if I am less confused.
About the things that are happening, about theories.
About me.

I find myself always being torn.
Between beliefs and actions, between people.
Between loves.

Life is a patch of grey.
It has always been.
I need a clearer vision.

Words Unsaid

 

This is a song I wrote on 15 September 2010 at 2:10am. Very precise. Because I had composed and keyed into my iPhone while lying on the bed. Haha.

It is quite different from the previous 2 songs I wrote in terms of content and genre. Surprised myself too. =P This is actually rather upbeat… If you can imagine. =)

Here goes.

~~~

I can tell you’re reaching
I can see how hard you’re trying
But it doesn’t work like this
And it won’t work out at all

I must say the cliche
It is me and not you
Don’t waste time on me
Go and find another new

You are all good all nice
The kinda guy my mum would like
You have good grades big dreams
The perfect guy…
For someone else.

~~~

Raw lyrics. Can definitely throw in some “na na na” or “la la la”. =) Or use a better a choice of words. But that was all my 2am mind could muster up. Grins.

 

Vanity of Life

 

Countless times have I felt so small.

So insignificant.

Like a speck of dust,

A grain of sand.

A coconut tossed in the vastness of an ocean.

~

I often wonder what God sees in me.

It is written that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made.

It is hard to see the “wonder”  in me sometimes,

When all I see are flaws and imperfections.

Of always trying and never reaching.

~

I need a revelation of who I am,

The purpose I am created for.

For whose standards am I living up to?

Seas will never be filled, nor stars numbered.

All is vanity and grasping for the wind.

Heart Matters

 

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

- C.S. Lewis